What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a sustained pattern of emotional manipulation: intense idealization early on, followed by criticism or withdrawal, then just enough warmth to pull you back in. Gaslighting is often central to it. Research from Western University’s Learning Network describes gaslighting as a form of coercive control in which a partner repeatedly denies or distorts a person’s reality until they can no longer trust their own perceptions, a dynamic that increases dependence on the person causing the harm.

This isn’t a fringe experience. Research consistently shows anxiety rates run two to three times higher among survivors of psychological abuse than in the general population, and a 2025 study of nearly 300 women found that abuse built on dominance and isolation (the controlling pattern common to narcissistic abuse) was, on its own, a significant predictor of both depression and anxiety (Lortkipanidze et al., 2025).

How It Shows Up Differently in South Asian Relationships

Controlling behavior can get reframed as devotion or tradition. Grand early gestures and family approval make later control harder to name, since it contradicts the “he’s just so caring” story everyone, including in-laws, already believed. Extended family involvement can blur the picture further: relatives urging you to “adjust” can unintentionally echo the abuse, similar to the emotional enmeshment common in Desi households, where one person’s needs quietly absorb everyone else’s.

Common Signs to Look For

• A relationship that started intensely, then shifted into criticism or withdrawal.
• Being told you’re “too sensitive” or “remembering it wrong.”
• Slowly losing touch with friends or family.
• Walking on eggshells to avoid unpredictable reactions.
• Feeling your worth depends on their approval, echoing how success can start to feel like conditional love.

Why It’s Hard to Recognize, and Harder to Leave

“Log kya kahenge” doesn’t just shape decisions about marriage; it can keep you inside one that’s hurting you. “Every marriage has hard patches” is common advice that can keep you minimizing a pattern that isn’t a hard patch. When family echoes that advice, it can feel like confirmation that you’re overreacting, even when your gut says otherwise.

What Recovery Can Look Like

Recovery starts with rebuilding trust in your own perception: learning to believe what you saw and felt, even when it was contradicted for a long time. A therapist can help untangle guilt from reality, rebuild boundaries with a partner and family, and work through the hypervigilance and chronic self-doubt this kind of relationship often leaves behind. Support doesn’t require cutting off your culture or family; it means finding people who can hold the full picture with you.

You’re Allowed to Trust Yourself Again

If you recognize this pattern, you’re not being dramatic, and you’re not alone. Naming what’s happening is often the hardest and most important step. If you ever feel physically unsafe, please contact a local domestic violence helpline or emergency services.

If this resonates, a therapist who understands both narcissistic abuse and South Asian family dynamics can help. Book a consultation to start untangling it with support.